Friday, June 14, 2013

Agoraphobia


I haven't been going out too much lately - Not just in terms of drinking and partying but also literally not leaving the house - so for the first time in a long while I went downtown by myself and it was a horrifying experience.


First of all, when you've been cooped up in a single bedroom apartment on the top floor of a low rise building located in the suburbs for weeks all by yourself , you forget how loud everything is in city. I guess I could've diminished the noise around me by putting in my head phones in but I was also so captivated by every sound and unintelligible voice. This experience was awfully unsettling and with every elevation in the noise level, I was becoming very aware of how isolated and environment-sensitive I am.


Another problem is navigation. I kept bumping into people. I guess my social-assertiveness and self preserving aggression had also been on the decrease, so every time I felt the slightest guilt from somehow inconveniencing people by accidentally being in their way, I apologized emphatically. Luckily I was able to finish my errands in no time and return home  before I crumbled to the floor in the middle of Vancouver,  in a puddle of my own anxiety induced vomit. This is the first time I experienced what it it might feel like to have agoraphobia. I wonder if some other phobias can be developed this way. It almost seems too easy and this notion is of course, very frightening... ...FUCK!


3 comments:

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Aida said...

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-Aida
x

dream time said...

Same here on the above. Being outside in urban environments is an exercise that must be kept up almost daily for strength and stamina, in said environments. I love to heal by getting away to the redwoods or the ocean.