I haven't been going out too much lately - Not just in terms of drinking and partying but also literally not leaving the house - so for the first time in a long while I went downtown by myself and it was a horrifying experience.
First of all, when you've been cooped up in a single bedroom apartment on the top floor of a low rise building located in the suburbs for weeks all by yourself , you forget how loud everything is in city. I guess I could've diminished the noise around me by putting in my head phones in but I was also so captivated by every sound and unintelligible voice. This experience was awfully unsettling and with every elevation in the noise level, I was becoming very aware of how isolated and environment-sensitive I am.
Another problem is navigation. I kept bumping into people. I guess my social-assertiveness and self preserving aggression had also been on the decrease, so every time I felt the slightest guilt from somehow inconveniencing people by accidentally being in their way, I apologized emphatically. Luckily I was able to finish my errands in no time and return home before I crumbled to the floor in the middle of Vancouver, in a puddle of my own anxiety induced vomit. This is the first time I experienced what it it might feel like to have agoraphobia. I wonder if some other phobias can be developed this way. It almost seems too easy and this notion is of course, very frightening... ...FUCK!