Agoraphobia

I haven't been going out too much lately - Not just in terms of drinking and partying but also literally not leaving the house - so for the first time in a long while I went downtown by myself and it was a horrifying experience.

First of all, when you've been cooped up in a single bedroom apartment on the top floor of a low rise building located in the suburbs for weeks all by yourself , you forget how loud everything is in city. I guess I could've diminished the noise around me by putting in my head phones in but I was also so captivated by every sound and unintelligible voice. This experience was awfully unsettling and with every elevation in the noise level, I was becoming very aware of how isolated and environment-sensitive I am.

Another problem is navigation. I kept bumping into people. I guess my social-assertiveness and self preserving aggression had also been on the decrease, so every time I felt the slightest guilt from somehow inconveniencing people by accidentally being in their way, I apologized emphatically. Luckily I was able to finish my errands in no time and return home  before I crumbled to the floor in the middle of Vancouver,  in a puddle of my own anxiety induced vomit. This is the first time I experienced what it it might feel like to have agoraphobia. I wonder if some other phobias can be developed this way. It almost seems too easy and this notion is of course, very frightening... ...FUCK!

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one"

As much as I love the organization I intern for, I don't exactly love the type of work I've been doing. Following a total break down on Tuesday, I had a major epiphany which could very well be the beginning of my pursuit for real happiness and self-actualization.
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you can probably sense that I sometimes could be a bit of a "bleeding-heart". It is because of my overwhelming sense of naive compassion in certain issues, I am constantly plagued by the guilt of "not doing enough to make the world a better place". Thus, it wasn't until a couple of days ago that I realized what I truly wanted to do and how I can alleviate the weight of the world on my shoulders. I decided that in order to achieve true meaning in my life I want to have a direct and benevolent influence in the lives of those less fortunate. Whether it's helping out the victims of assaults, protecting the rights and freedom of "social outcasts" or even spreading awareness about cases of social injustices. As soon as I realized what I wanted to dedicate my life doing, I felt, for the first time in my life, uplifted and hopeful about the things I thought I couldn't change. I know that this again sounds like an idealistic notion and that I really can't make any substantial contributions in dissolving all of the world's issues and injustices. However, I am going about this a logical way via educational training and gaining experiences. Thus I've decided to first start with a focused career path in the fields of either counseling, law or journalism. Wish me luck in my decision, everyone.

I'm wearing my new shoes (thank you, Isabel) to celebrate my new found future plan.

Another first (first sweater outfit) to commemorate the occasion.