Agoraphobia

I haven't been going out too much lately - Not just in terms of drinking and partying but also literally not leaving the house - so for the first time in a long while I went downtown by myself and it was a horrifying experience.

First of all, when you've been cooped up in a single bedroom apartment on the top floor of a low rise building located in the suburbs for weeks all by yourself , you forget how loud everything is in city. I guess I could've diminished the noise around me by putting in my head phones in but I was also so captivated by every sound and unintelligible voice. This experience was awfully unsettling and with every elevation in the noise level, I was becoming very aware of how isolated and environment-sensitive I am.

Another problem is navigation. I kept bumping into people. I guess my social-assertiveness and self preserving aggression had also been on the decrease, so every time I felt the slightest guilt from somehow inconveniencing people by accidentally being in their way, I apologized emphatically. Luckily I was able to finish my errands in no time and return home  before I crumbled to the floor in the middle of Vancouver,  in a puddle of my own anxiety induced vomit. This is the first time I experienced what it it might feel like to have agoraphobia. I wonder if some other phobias can be developed this way. It almost seems too easy and this notion is of course, very frightening... ...FUCK!

Record Store Day + 420

Happy Saturday/Record Store Day/420, everyone! I thoroughly enjoy all three of those things but today I have an even bigger news to get excited about. Today is my friend Jamie's sister, Sarah's wedding and I have been invited to attend as long as I sing a song. This is an incredibly generous gesture considering I'm not even remotely related or close to his family and that they're willing to let me eat, drink and be weird at their daughter's wedding. It does however bode well for me as a quasi-musician because if I do one day decide to drop everything to become one, I can at least get free food and drinks by singing at people's weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, birthdays or any event at which my taken-for-granted-talen can serve to entertain people.

One thing I would like to also mention is that I'm participating in my first ever long-distance run. That's right the Vancouver Sun Run will be one of the things I get to cross off my 2013 to-do list. This year is especially important considering the recent tragedy that took place at the Boston Marathon. Thus in the spirit of moving forward; both literally and figuratively, I am proud to be a part of collective culture which represents more than just Vancouverite's love for the outdoors.

Finally, I just want to turn your attention towards this little review Scrambled Debutante garnered in this recent week. Seriously, there's so many things going on right now, I'm jealous of myself.

Tax Season is Good News for the Working Poor

Tax season is great because it means that the Canadian government will be paying me back some of my well-deserved monies that they've been holding hostage for the past year.

As I was filing my taxes (that's right, I am THAT capable) earlier this evening I realized just how much we undercut ourselves based on our incomes and tax deductibles. Actually, this realization came to me earlier last week when I was freaking out over my lost credit card and had to file for fraud on the last purchase on the statement. I was all worried that the fraud claim meant that my life will be overrun by investigators and corporate lawyers grilling me on every bit of fiscal detail. The whole time I was thinking "why would they just re-credit my account without even flinching? $300 dollars is a lot of money!"

Truth be told, I panicked a little because I was so afraid that no one would believe me and will eventually fault me for being so careless with my belongings. Then, after half an hour of me pacing in my living room, dreaming up escape strategies and mentally writing down a list of my most cherished things I would leave for my loved ones once I skip town, I remembered to resort to logic instead. What I deduced was that to a multi-billion dollar corporation like the bank, to say that $300 is peanuts to them,  is even beyond an understatement. It would made absolutely no sense for them to go into a full-fledged investigation on a $300 credit card fraud. Even if they did, it wouldn't involve lawyers and investigators knocking on my door. It would've been collection letters or some other annoying "this-is-a-vague-but-stern-warning" forms of notice stuffed into my mailboxes over the span of four months until I eventually give them back the ill-gotten credits.

After realizing this, I began to feel sad for myself; and then, anger.

My rage response was catapulted by many reasons. The first of those is that I had entirely based my sense of self-worth on how much money was in my bank. The fact that I had psyched myself out so much both because I lost $300 and my credit card was a prime example of how much money determines my mental state thus state of well-being. Then that was exacerbated when I eventually realized just how "unworthy" I am. Not long after a period of temporary illusion of "THIS $300 DOLLAR DISCREPANCY IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE BECAUSE MY FINANCIAL ACTIVITIES IS OF GREAT INTEREST TO EVERYONE." Which is also depressing and demoralizing because I felt like a powerless little person in at the mercy of giant financial corporations.
Honestly, just think about how much freedom you gain when you have more money in the bank. If a large part of a human being as a free-agent is her volition to act based on her own accord then it's fair to associate money with freedom because money way more opportunities, thus way more freedom. If freedom is one of the fundamental goals and aspirations for a person wouldn't the relinquishment of that freedom defeat a sense of purpose, identity and self-worth? Thus isn't money one of the most evil things we are all love to hate and hate to love? FUCK!

T.U.K.-ing On My Heart Strings

This is amazing-sauce! Our humble little band Scrambled Debutante got our first review in the Georgia Straight!  Which means we are now a legitimate band because people have now judged and wrote about those judgements for the public eye in hopes to sway their opinion!!! Now I know what it feels like to be totally fucking famous! Raawwrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Second tidbit of excitement: I was interview on CJSF last Friday for their International Women's Day special to talk about what it feels like to a feminist and a female musician in Vancouver. I talked intensely for half an hour and have never been so proud to be speaking about things that are extremely personal to me.

It seems like things are on the upswing for me and I'm enjoying every moment of it.

Back to business of being serious though. I'm still struggling with creating a workable angle for the new blog. While I want to start a new blog less fashion-focused, I still want my own personal aesthetics to be a part of it. Also, I was told that this blog isn't really about fashion so maybe I'm already achieving what my supposed new blog is going to be all about?

Regardless. I will keep you all informed about any future developments. Now, I'm going to go bask in the temporary glory of how frighteningly much people seem to like me.

Creepers

It's been a week and I'm still trying to figure out how to properly style my hair. Being a terribly lazy individual who prefers everything low-maintenace, this hair style has posed as a bit of a challenge.

Some may regard straight hair to be a blessing but I see it as a boring, lifeless, flat-to-the-scalp nuisance. So far, I've tried almost every technique known to beauty experts to make the right side of my head more tousled and bouncy and this is the best I can come up with. I spent about twenty minutes playing with it, putting in volumizing  mousse and hair curlers and blow drying and whatnot and eventually decided that that amount of time is simply way too much time spent on four inches of hair.

I ended up rubbed my scalp with much vigour hoping that perhaps a static charge in the follicles can make my hair stand up more. I think it eventually worked.
Oh hey, did I mention that I now own a pair of T.U.K's creepers?! Fuck yeah!

Look at the height on these babies. I mean, they definitely slow me way down whenever I prance up the stairs home but they are worth every second prolonged between point A to point B.