Agoraphobia

I haven't been going out too much lately - Not just in terms of drinking and partying but also literally not leaving the house - so for the first time in a long while I went downtown by myself and it was a horrifying experience.

First of all, when you've been cooped up in a single bedroom apartment on the top floor of a low rise building located in the suburbs for weeks all by yourself , you forget how loud everything is in city. I guess I could've diminished the noise around me by putting in my head phones in but I was also so captivated by every sound and unintelligible voice. This experience was awfully unsettling and with every elevation in the noise level, I was becoming very aware of how isolated and environment-sensitive I am.

Another problem is navigation. I kept bumping into people. I guess my social-assertiveness and self preserving aggression had also been on the decrease, so every time I felt the slightest guilt from somehow inconveniencing people by accidentally being in their way, I apologized emphatically. Luckily I was able to finish my errands in no time and return home  before I crumbled to the floor in the middle of Vancouver,  in a puddle of my own anxiety induced vomit. This is the first time I experienced what it it might feel like to have agoraphobia. I wonder if some other phobias can be developed this way. It almost seems too easy and this notion is of course, very frightening... ...FUCK!

Off the Grid

Some of you may have noticed that my blog had gone missing for a few weeks. You see, I realized there's a typo in my domain name (hapeningsinss is missing a "p") and corrected it without considering the catastrophic chain reaction of voiding every single hyperlink which lead to this humble little blog. 

For the month I was off the grid, I do apologize. I hope I didn't do any irreparable damage to some of the other blogger's credibility - promoting a blog to readers that doesn't seem to exist.

Well, now I've reverted back to hosting a blog with a misspelled domain named it comforts me in a way that perhaps I can start owning my other mistakes. For example: Not appreciating King Crimson up until now.

You can be sober or super high on your drug of choice for this. I promise you, this will make all the hipster shit you've been listening to sound like eating watery lettuce with warm vinaigrette.

Selling Yourself Short Doesn't Increase Self-Worth

Without making this post sound like it came straight out of a page of a psudo-scientific self-help book, I want to share with you the secrets to being happy.

Just kidding. This is going to be a post for the mid-20 somethings who are struggling with self-identity through career choice. I'm confident in my credibility seeing how I've been doing my best to redefine who I am during this time of unemployment.

Since my last update, I'm still unemployed and am slowly starting to feel the burn of not having enough money so I've been job hunting, and it hasn't been easy. This is because I don't care for half of the stuff I've applied to and desperation has made me devalue myself to a point where I've literally sent my resumes to some of the most worthless jobs. After a few weeks of mindlessly sending off resumes and cover letters, I landed myself an interview today for an opportunity I randomly encountered on the street. It was for a nonprofit organization and the job was public outreach. You know those people in silly vests with binders who try to guilt you into donating on a monthly basis for a cause you semi care for. Yeah, I was going to interview to be one of them.

The interview was to take place on Wednesday at 3 P.M. in a group format and I wasn't there. Why? Well, I made a conscious choice not to go. No, it wasn't because I was lazy or unmotivated or whatever. I just didn't feel like sitting through another interview where I know deep down it isn't the job I want. In other more blatant words  I felt like it would've been a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here sitting on a high horse thinking I'm way too good to be working for a nonprofit organization as a public outreach canvasser. On the contrary, I admire people who bust their asses all day talking to total strangers on the street about how they can be an important part of the solution to end world hunger, human trafficking, animal abuse, or what have you. What I realized is that I'm really not that type of activist. I tend to like to take matters in my own hands and get very selfish about my believes because they make me feel great about who I am. I will certainly try to influence other in many instances but I do it through example (again, not stroking my own ego) and by being absolutely head-strong and never asking for charity. In the end I reserve those bleeding heart, soap box speeches for dinner parties and social gatherings where I can get as emotionally invested and outwardly intense as I can get so other people feel stupid for averting their attention away from me. Thus, I wouldn't be able to truly convince people unless I get up and arms about a cause and I certainly wouldn't be able or allowed to get in someone's face if professionalism is involved. I mean, that is how I ended up jobless in the first place, remember?

Another important caveat in my turning down this opportunity also involves my ever-evolving self-identity. I realized that while jobs are important for support one's living expenses, they should also reflect who you are as a person rather than the other way around. In other words, (or maybe Tyler Durden words "you are not your fucking job"), we shouldn't define ourselves according to our jobs. Rather, We should define our jobs according to what we want ourselves to be. This is a hard lesson to learn for all of us especially when we equate working with productivity and productivity with self-worth. Let's be frank though, having a job doesn't guarantee quality of self-worth. I'll put myself forth as an example. Throughout the years of me working at various jobs I didn't give a shit about I slowly devalued myself as a person. I mean I started to see myself and tell people about myself in accordance to my job duties. A normal conversation with me often included what my job is. Then some comments would be exchanged on that topic by both the person I'm talking to and myself and an hour would go by and I would've felt like I told that person nothing about myself. I was never proud of what I did and this was taking a toll on me. Thus after I quit my most recent job I've decided that I will no longer feel the social pressure to just find any job. I want to build myself around what I'm passionate about, even if it means taking some time to slowly discover less obvious routes. Now that I've realized what the difference between a job and a career is, the rest should fall in to place...???

Social Retard

This is my fourth week of being jobless and it's probably the best thing ever. Going to be at 4 A.M. in the morning and waking up in the afternoon, I'm starting to feel like a teenager again but without the self-esteem issues, suicidal tendencies and of course, parental tyranny.

The only downside to my unemployment is that I don't have as much money to spend on shit I like. I've pretty much stopped shopping for clothes and have even made strict rules about how often I should be going out. So there's been a lot of staying at home and cooking for myself, looking after the cats and waiting for school to start. Life is good and mellow.

 Obviously this can get boring very fast so I'm already planning on starting a few arts and craft projects. First thing on the docket is an oldie but a goodie - tye-dyed products.

Also, remember when I said I got rid of the long wispy bangs. Here some new short-ass baby bangs for the summer. They are pretty awesome but hard to maintain especially when I have to trim it myself without proper scissors every two weeks or so.

Lastly, here's my recent favourite local band. They are called B-lines and they are excellent.

Measuring Success

Take a good look at this hair because this is the last time you'll ever get an eye-full of those luscious bangs. At this very moment, my hair is short as ever and my bangs have crept well above my eyebrows.

Some changes took place in my life recently that I cannot neglect to discuss. As of May 1st, I took the final step towards burning the bridge of professionalism between myself and my employer at the Westminster Children's After School Society. Sounds familiar? Yes, this may conjure the feeling of deja vu if you remember one particular post where I regaled some of you with the tales of finally quitting the job I deemed soul-sucking. Well, it turns out that was not the ending chapter of this seemingly never-ending struggle towards self-efficiency and freedom from the shackles of employment.

However, this time, I do believe is the last; and it will last for I can no longer tolerate the meaninglessness of me trying so desperately to seek meaning and purpose where there isn't any. Though I do have to say that there is a silver lining in this whole ordeal. You see, the day after I told my boss to "get fucked" over a phone shouting match and won, I was accepted into the graduate program I've been toiling over for the past few months! This opportunity of course stemmed from my most recent place of employment. Through one one of the kid's parent who introduced me to the program just over a year ago. 

What's the moral of the story? The Man is always a step behind you because if you are a conscientious and decent human being who place more importance on forging real relationships with the people (in this case the children and their families), they will in turn trust and respect you or provide you with bigger and better options so you can flip your current boss off and get what you actually deserve! Take that to church tomorrow and preach it!

Adventure Time

 Heyo! I want to take some time to talk about my current favourite thing on Netflix right now and that thing is called Adventure Time. Sure, I might be several years behind on the hype  but it took me a while to truly appreciate the absurdist and silly humour of the show so if you ask me, I say I'm just on time for maximum viewing pleasure.

Besides the awesome animation style, out-of-the-box story telling and just about the best kid-friendly one-liners ever, the show is also extremely avant-garde, conceptual and imaginative. Take for example Jake the Dog and how he seems to to have no limits to shapeshifting at his own connivence. Having worked with kids, this is like a dream come true - to be friends with a talking-dog who can transform into anything he wants during times of crisis. 

The show is also clever in that the humour in it is campy without being cheesy at all. Both the characters are already so genuinely sweet and decent that the show never try to insert preachy moral lessons like most of kids shows which gets super trite and stale very quickly.

If you haven't seen the show yet, you owe yourself to do it. I've always been a big fan of cartoons and Adventure Time is so weird and cute that it suits anyone who identify as those things. 

Tax Season is Good News for the Working Poor

Tax season is great because it means that the Canadian government will be paying me back some of my well-deserved monies that they've been holding hostage for the past year.

As I was filing my taxes (that's right, I am THAT capable) earlier this evening I realized just how much we undercut ourselves based on our incomes and tax deductibles. Actually, this realization came to me earlier last week when I was freaking out over my lost credit card and had to file for fraud on the last purchase on the statement. I was all worried that the fraud claim meant that my life will be overrun by investigators and corporate lawyers grilling me on every bit of fiscal detail. The whole time I was thinking "why would they just re-credit my account without even flinching? $300 dollars is a lot of money!"

Truth be told, I panicked a little because I was so afraid that no one would believe me and will eventually fault me for being so careless with my belongings. Then, after half an hour of me pacing in my living room, dreaming up escape strategies and mentally writing down a list of my most cherished things I would leave for my loved ones once I skip town, I remembered to resort to logic instead. What I deduced was that to a multi-billion dollar corporation like the bank, to say that $300 is peanuts to them,  is even beyond an understatement. It would made absolutely no sense for them to go into a full-fledged investigation on a $300 credit card fraud. Even if they did, it wouldn't involve lawyers and investigators knocking on my door. It would've been collection letters or some other annoying "this-is-a-vague-but-stern-warning" forms of notice stuffed into my mailboxes over the span of four months until I eventually give them back the ill-gotten credits.

After realizing this, I began to feel sad for myself; and then, anger.

My rage response was catapulted by many reasons. The first of those is that I had entirely based my sense of self-worth on how much money was in my bank. The fact that I had psyched myself out so much both because I lost $300 and my credit card was a prime example of how much money determines my mental state thus state of well-being. Then that was exacerbated when I eventually realized just how "unworthy" I am. Not long after a period of temporary illusion of "THIS $300 DOLLAR DISCREPANCY IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE BECAUSE MY FINANCIAL ACTIVITIES IS OF GREAT INTEREST TO EVERYONE." Which is also depressing and demoralizing because I felt like a powerless little person in at the mercy of giant financial corporations.
Honestly, just think about how much freedom you gain when you have more money in the bank. If a large part of a human being as a free-agent is her volition to act based on her own accord then it's fair to associate money with freedom because money way more opportunities, thus way more freedom. If freedom is one of the fundamental goals and aspirations for a person wouldn't the relinquishment of that freedom defeat a sense of purpose, identity and self-worth? Thus isn't money one of the most evil things we are all love to hate and hate to love? FUCK!

Pride and Joy

I forget, it is still cool to pose with your cat?

What about wearing purple socks and mom jeans, with leggings underneath them for warmth?

I think they are "cool" because one, the "hipster" culture dictates them to be so.  Let's face it, anything "cool" is completely constructed by the society, hipster or mainstream. In the world of hipsters, dorky, ugly outfits are completely "off the hook" on the "rad-meter". So why do I care about what hipsters say about my outfits? Other than the fact that it's kind of nice to be considered "cool" (especially when I was never thought as that growing up) but dressing ironically is probably the most cost effective way to catch people's attention with your outfits. Not to mention the kind of gems you stumble upon while thrift shopping. The point is, it's never necessary to be bothered by what others say about your outfits but it's also silly to pretend that you're not interested in people's compliments. All I've been hearing from "hipster" fashion people are how much they don't care about what other people think but the truth is, some of them do, a great deal in fact. So yeah, dress as ironic as you want, people are going to talk about how much of a fucking hipster you are but don't act like you're not flattered when hearing about how much people are jealous of your one of a kind, vintage, neon, teapot sweater dress.

Bachelor of Arts

I have a degree in Bachelor of Arts with a major in Psychology. It has been two years since I graduated and so I still don't have a job which requires me to flex my B.A. prowess. Perhaps I have more deductive reasoning skills and know more about different parts of the brain than some people but as far as practicality goes, I've only been able to use those powers for the good of enlightening conversations and win pointless debates on esoteric subjects that only a psych major would know or care.

What am I planning on doing then, you ask? Well, I think the answer to that is obviously more schooling. Yep, I'm currently in the process of applying for a masters program in Art Therapy and so far it's been quite a challenge. Not to mention I will be even deeper in debt with student loan which I have no idea whether or not I'd be able to pay off. Regardless, I'm just glad I still believe that education is the only way to a productive and fruitful life.

Sunday Funday

Weekends are wonderful because they provide ample amount of downtime to be productive.

In addition to finishing a complete season of Frasier on Friday night, I cleaned my entire apartment on Saturday! In the spirit of being fruitful and constructive, I spent today out and about enjoying the city.

It began with attending the Taboo Sex Show, which was actually kind of disappointing. Jeremy and I spent most of the time avoiding salespeople trying to unload the latest dildos and flavoured lubes, and butt plugs, and clit tinglers, and bondage tapes and what have you upon us. We quickly darted through the "sex-sells" galore, got our free entrance tickets   eyefuls and found the nearest exit.

We proceeded with a viewing of Django; the newest Quentin Tarantino movie, to which I must say made up for the shortcomings of the earlier sex show. Later, we went for awesome Chinese food and with that our day ended. Now I'm at home, crying over the gashes in my new creeper shoes. What the fuck, why are they so flimsy?

Selling Out

I'm sure every blogger faces or had faced or will face this conundrum: whether or not to  monetize their blog. Recently, I've been toying with the idea of adding Ad Sense on this blog but was immediately fraught with guilt.

The truth is I really don't want to be a "sell out"; and I say those words in the most straight up, clear cut and non-clieche way possible. I mean,  If you host an independent blog with contents that challenge the many facets of the mainstream culture including issues on consumerism and journalistic and artistic integrity and you plastering that blog with ads that sells shit you have never even seen or will ever give a fuck about is extremely hypocritical and is like "sell out". Also, let's face it, it wouldn't be worth while for a fringe blog like mine to be selling out because I really don't get enough traffic to be making a ton of cash. Seriously, how fucking sad is that, trading in my morals for chump change? Ultimately though, the main deterrent is the repulsive idea of exploiting my readers and shamelessly making a gain off of promoting things I most likely will never see, own or ever use.

With that being said, I have seen some of my favourite bloggers go from being an "ad-free blog" to making mad monies with banners for American Apparel, Urban Outfitters and what I can only hope is just another edgy and ironically hipster online fashion store called "Nasty Gal" (couldn't come up with a better name? Really?). However, not every one of them can be demonized as "sell-outs" because some are extremely ethical about how they promote and profit off the ads. It almost sounds like I'm waning towards putting ads on my blog but here's something I learned as a psych major and through years of observing this behaviour in others and myself. People can pretty much justify and reason through just about anything because we hate having conflicting ideals. We also find it not only comforting but also necessary to explore and even publicize our "sorting out" of these conflicts (ie. via blogging, much like how I'm sorting through my opposing views on ads on blogs). In the end, how much one feels about one way or another comes to a final choice supported by reasons they have outlined throughout the process. Therefore, going back to my original dilemma I have decided against ever adding ads to my blog for the very simple reason that I just don't want to be a "sell-out".

A Feminist's Nightmare - American Apparel

This is terrible! How can American Apparel, one of the few accessible all American-made, sweat-shop free clothing companies and a self-proclaimed environmental and progressive business pioneers be hiding behind such a heinous deed?! Just when I thought the sexual harassment  lawsuits were bad, this just brought American Apparel from my "shop-here-if-you-absolutely-have-to" list to my "BOYCOTT-DUE-TO-EXTREME-MORAL-DIFFERENCES" list. I am sad and infuriated beyond words.

The major box-kicker here is the cruel paradox that American Apparel is both socially conscious and immoral. It allures those who are struggling to find ethical fashion and disappoints big time when the owner and the company's name is consistently paired with headlines that exposes AA's unfair and sexist practices and various sexual scandals. Nothing really hurts more than finding out that a company that pride itself on its open and fair labour practices and offers great benefits, wages and career and educational advancement opportunities is actually being operated by an owner  who is a total sleaze bag. According to several reports from multiple sources, Dov Charney seems to think he's operating some sort of "hipster harlem" in hiring mainly "fresh-faced'  (young) who may or may not be approached by him for a "career advancement" (personal favours for a raise) when he's feeling "managerial" (power tripping)  and "in the mood" (horny or just plain wanting to be an asshole).

After learning about some of the truths of American Apparel, I, both as a feminist and a conscientious consumer am totally discouraged. I thought I had hit the jackpot when I found a source of fashion that not only caters to my style but also don't completely contradict my morals and values. To think I used to want to work there!

I thought I'd parallel the ironic practices of American Apparel by wearing two pieces of my favourite American Apparel items; the dolman sleeve top and the red leggings. At least I can make good use of all of my American Apparel stuff because from now on there will be no new additions to my wardrobe from American Apparel.

Laughing with a Mouth of Blood

What the fuck. Am I actually cracking more than a coy smile here? No. Way! 

I just recently realized why I don't smile as often as I should. My imperfect teeth an my obviously ethically Chinese looking eyes. Yes. Sounds silly but I have had the biggest insecurities about looking Chinese and gap toothed.

Well, it's 2013 and I'm over them now. I'm also drunk while I'm blogging. Take that, self-consiousness! Happy new year, everybody.

The Breasts of a Feminist

Ok, so my friend posted a picture of me on Facebook. In it, my right breast is very discernibly droopy. I am a young woman and so far, I’m losing the war against gravity. I comment on the photo and also thinking the same thing: “oh man, I really need to start wearing bras.” 

The truth is, I haven’t worn a proper bra with paddings and underwires in almost five years. Ever since second year university, when my feminist values started to root and flourish within me, I’ve began to detest putting my breasts in those things. Everyday, I would put on the bra that I’ve been wearing since high school and feel its underwires digging into my ribcage and the elastic straps sinking into my flesh. “Have I gained weight?” “Are my breasts getting bigger?” I used to think to myself but I knew that I’ve been the same size ever since I stopped developing at age 17. Every time I got dressed in the morning, I became more and more aware of the suffocating and stifling feeling of wearing a bra. 

I eventually started to go without one because I didn’t think it was normal or even necessary to cram something so irregular such as the human upper torso into something that was pre-made and obviously not suited for living comfortably. So, what is my lesson from seeing my sagging breast in the picture?

Yeah, I should wear a bra. I also should have listen to my father and married rich.  Shouldn’t have bothered with trying to get into graduate school because smart women are not as desirable because they’re too opinionated. While I’m at it, I should also laugh at sexists jokes or lewd one-liners about rape because girls with a sense of humour do so much better in social situations.  I should always feel sexy and validated as a woman when men hit on me or grab my ass and feel guilty and apologetic immediately afterwards when they get furious and call me “fucking dyke” when I don’t respond in a positive way. Really, I should be what a “woman” ought to be and I could if right now, I give up everything that is ever important to me as a female, as a woman but importantly as a human being. Frankly, I don’t think that sounds fair.

Hey look, I have short hair now.