Selling Yourself Short Doesn't Increase Self-Worth

Without making this post sound like it came straight out of a page of a psudo-scientific self-help book, I want to share with you the secrets to being happy.

Just kidding. This is going to be a post for the mid-20 somethings who are struggling with self-identity through career choice. I'm confident in my credibility seeing how I've been doing my best to redefine who I am during this time of unemployment.

Since my last update, I'm still unemployed and am slowly starting to feel the burn of not having enough money so I've been job hunting, and it hasn't been easy. This is because I don't care for half of the stuff I've applied to and desperation has made me devalue myself to a point where I've literally sent my resumes to some of the most worthless jobs. After a few weeks of mindlessly sending off resumes and cover letters, I landed myself an interview today for an opportunity I randomly encountered on the street. It was for a nonprofit organization and the job was public outreach. You know those people in silly vests with binders who try to guilt you into donating on a monthly basis for a cause you semi care for. Yeah, I was going to interview to be one of them.

The interview was to take place on Wednesday at 3 P.M. in a group format and I wasn't there. Why? Well, I made a conscious choice not to go. No, it wasn't because I was lazy or unmotivated or whatever. I just didn't feel like sitting through another interview where I know deep down it isn't the job I want. In other more blatant words  I felt like it would've been a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here sitting on a high horse thinking I'm way too good to be working for a nonprofit organization as a public outreach canvasser. On the contrary, I admire people who bust their asses all day talking to total strangers on the street about how they can be an important part of the solution to end world hunger, human trafficking, animal abuse, or what have you. What I realized is that I'm really not that type of activist. I tend to like to take matters in my own hands and get very selfish about my believes because they make me feel great about who I am. I will certainly try to influence other in many instances but I do it through example (again, not stroking my own ego) and by being absolutely head-strong and never asking for charity. In the end I reserve those bleeding heart, soap box speeches for dinner parties and social gatherings where I can get as emotionally invested and outwardly intense as I can get so other people feel stupid for averting their attention away from me. Thus, I wouldn't be able to truly convince people unless I get up and arms about a cause and I certainly wouldn't be able or allowed to get in someone's face if professionalism is involved. I mean, that is how I ended up jobless in the first place, remember?

Another important caveat in my turning down this opportunity also involves my ever-evolving self-identity. I realized that while jobs are important for support one's living expenses, they should also reflect who you are as a person rather than the other way around. In other words, (or maybe Tyler Durden words "you are not your fucking job"), we shouldn't define ourselves according to our jobs. Rather, We should define our jobs according to what we want ourselves to be. This is a hard lesson to learn for all of us especially when we equate working with productivity and productivity with self-worth. Let's be frank though, having a job doesn't guarantee quality of self-worth. I'll put myself forth as an example. Throughout the years of me working at various jobs I didn't give a shit about I slowly devalued myself as a person. I mean I started to see myself and tell people about myself in accordance to my job duties. A normal conversation with me often included what my job is. Then some comments would be exchanged on that topic by both the person I'm talking to and myself and an hour would go by and I would've felt like I told that person nothing about myself. I was never proud of what I did and this was taking a toll on me. Thus after I quit my most recent job I've decided that I will no longer feel the social pressure to just find any job. I want to build myself around what I'm passionate about, even if it means taking some time to slowly discover less obvious routes. Now that I've realized what the difference between a job and a career is, the rest should fall in to place...???

Gravity Always Wins

So I totally lied, I am going to be able to blog on this trip. I was thinking that there wouldn't be reliable internet sources here but WiFi is everywhere and so I'm not off the grid after all. However, the jetlag has rendered me simultaneous restless and exhausted all the time. So far the experience in Korea has been that everybody really does eat kimchi three times a day just as the stereotype predicted and that plastic surgery is more common than getting a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Speaking of that, let's talk about that for a bit.

I don't mean to be preachy or want to come across as being morally superior but there's something fundamentally wrong with Asian women wanting to get plastic surgery. I've been here for about a week now and if I were to ball park, I say about 70% of women here have undergone some sort of cosmetic procedure. How do I know that? BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK ASIAN!!! Of course, there is always assumptions about these things. Perhaps some Korean women are born with large, round, perfectly limpid eyes. Sure, but I know for a fact that the "double eye-lid" surgery is also one of the most popular and common surgeries here. 

The thing is that people are obsessed with looking Westernized here for some reason. I saw a Korean women yesterday standing in line for the flume ride (yes, I went to Everland, an amusement park in Korea) and her face was painted so ghostly white that it didn't match any other part of her natural skin. Meanwhile the only thing I can think of is, "man, I must look so ugly to them. I've gotten a bit of a tan over the summer. I have very typical Asian eyes and my nose is definitely not as well defined as the fake ones." But you want to know what the irony of it all is? The only reason why I'm Korea is because my mom is here to fix her botched nose job from ten years ago so I'm right in the thicket of it all. Everyday, I'm in and out plastic surgeon's offices waiting for her to get stem cells injected into her nasal tissue (standard post operative procedure). While I'm sitting in these offices, I get sadder and sadder with each woman that comes in, looking perfectly attractive I might add, waiting to book her appointment with a specialist to water down whatever Asian characteristic they deem undesirable within the beauty culture.

Seasons Change and So Did I

I spent eight hours in front of a computer yesterday doing grant writing and have never been so terrified of the act of typing after I was finished. So today, instead of brainstorming something to rant about and posting it, I'm afraid I'm going to have to present you all another picture show. It's actually not all that bad because as I was going through my outfit pictures today, I discovered a few photos I have yet to post. So, they are posted here to achieve three major purposes: 1) they're fun to look at; 2) they serve as reminders of the passing of time and change of seasons 3) when analyzed on a deeper level, they are symbols and visual indications of the cyclical nature of things.

I wore this outfit in the middle of June when it was 27 degree (Celsius) out. It was primarily inspired by the cover of Gulag Orkestar by one of my favorite bands, Beirut.

The polka-dot top used to be an awkward length, so did to it what I do to most tops; crop it! I wore this during one of the dog days nearing the end of July, and it was still too damn hot.

This is a recent outfit I wore to my first day of work. It kept me warm in the morning but by the afternoon, shirt-sweater combo seemed like an overkill. Regardless, the days are getting cooler by the minute and I'm starting to regret not getting the most of summer when I had the chance.

Do you see? Do you see!!??

This past weekend Daniel and I took a day trip down to Seattle for two purposes: 1) to have dinner at the most amazing Italian restaurant ever called Bizarro and 2) to visit the Experience Music Museum. In general the exhibits were pretty cool but wasn't exceptionally great. I was, however, extremely trilled and impressed by the grunge and punk section.

Pillar of guitars. What a waste of perfectly playable instruments.

Ah, the elusive grunge aesthetic; ironically fashionable, kind of like the modern day hipster trend. Except that the latter thrives on being ironically and poorly dressed and that the former just really didn't give a shit about clothes. At least they say.

An epic shot of Mudhoney --- one of the leading pioneers of grunge

The Nirvana display... "fucking amazing" is all I have to say

Those are Kurt Cobain's guitar and Kris Novoselic's bass. It's hard to tell in this picture but both instruments are totally trashed from they playing like maniac's back in the day.

"We want revolution, GIRL STYLE NOW!!!!"
My second favorite part of the museum is all the displays of The Supremes stage costumes they wore back in the days. Just look at these dresses, they're ridiculously fabulous!

Sorry about the slide show post but I've just been so exhausted looking for a job I'm a little uninspired to write. But don't worry, once this is over I'll again be sharing my thoughts with you all.