Agoraphobia

I haven't been going out too much lately - Not just in terms of drinking and partying but also literally not leaving the house - so for the first time in a long while I went downtown by myself and it was a horrifying experience.

First of all, when you've been cooped up in a single bedroom apartment on the top floor of a low rise building located in the suburbs for weeks all by yourself , you forget how loud everything is in city. I guess I could've diminished the noise around me by putting in my head phones in but I was also so captivated by every sound and unintelligible voice. This experience was awfully unsettling and with every elevation in the noise level, I was becoming very aware of how isolated and environment-sensitive I am.

Another problem is navigation. I kept bumping into people. I guess my social-assertiveness and self preserving aggression had also been on the decrease, so every time I felt the slightest guilt from somehow inconveniencing people by accidentally being in their way, I apologized emphatically. Luckily I was able to finish my errands in no time and return home  before I crumbled to the floor in the middle of Vancouver,  in a puddle of my own anxiety induced vomit. This is the first time I experienced what it it might feel like to have agoraphobia. I wonder if some other phobias can be developed this way. It almost seems too easy and this notion is of course, very frightening... ...FUCK!

Off the Grid

Some of you may have noticed that my blog had gone missing for a few weeks. You see, I realized there's a typo in my domain name (hapeningsinss is missing a "p") and corrected it without considering the catastrophic chain reaction of voiding every single hyperlink which lead to this humble little blog. 

For the month I was off the grid, I do apologize. I hope I didn't do any irreparable damage to some of the other blogger's credibility - promoting a blog to readers that doesn't seem to exist.

Well, now I've reverted back to hosting a blog with a misspelled domain named it comforts me in a way that perhaps I can start owning my other mistakes. For example: Not appreciating King Crimson up until now.

You can be sober or super high on your drug of choice for this. I promise you, this will make all the hipster shit you've been listening to sound like eating watery lettuce with warm vinaigrette.

Selling Yourself Short Doesn't Increase Self-Worth

Without making this post sound like it came straight out of a page of a psudo-scientific self-help book, I want to share with you the secrets to being happy.

Just kidding. This is going to be a post for the mid-20 somethings who are struggling with self-identity through career choice. I'm confident in my credibility seeing how I've been doing my best to redefine who I am during this time of unemployment.

Since my last update, I'm still unemployed and am slowly starting to feel the burn of not having enough money so I've been job hunting, and it hasn't been easy. This is because I don't care for half of the stuff I've applied to and desperation has made me devalue myself to a point where I've literally sent my resumes to some of the most worthless jobs. After a few weeks of mindlessly sending off resumes and cover letters, I landed myself an interview today for an opportunity I randomly encountered on the street. It was for a nonprofit organization and the job was public outreach. You know those people in silly vests with binders who try to guilt you into donating on a monthly basis for a cause you semi care for. Yeah, I was going to interview to be one of them.

The interview was to take place on Wednesday at 3 P.M. in a group format and I wasn't there. Why? Well, I made a conscious choice not to go. No, it wasn't because I was lazy or unmotivated or whatever. I just didn't feel like sitting through another interview where I know deep down it isn't the job I want. In other more blatant words  I felt like it would've been a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here sitting on a high horse thinking I'm way too good to be working for a nonprofit organization as a public outreach canvasser. On the contrary, I admire people who bust their asses all day talking to total strangers on the street about how they can be an important part of the solution to end world hunger, human trafficking, animal abuse, or what have you. What I realized is that I'm really not that type of activist. I tend to like to take matters in my own hands and get very selfish about my believes because they make me feel great about who I am. I will certainly try to influence other in many instances but I do it through example (again, not stroking my own ego) and by being absolutely head-strong and never asking for charity. In the end I reserve those bleeding heart, soap box speeches for dinner parties and social gatherings where I can get as emotionally invested and outwardly intense as I can get so other people feel stupid for averting their attention away from me. Thus, I wouldn't be able to truly convince people unless I get up and arms about a cause and I certainly wouldn't be able or allowed to get in someone's face if professionalism is involved. I mean, that is how I ended up jobless in the first place, remember?

Another important caveat in my turning down this opportunity also involves my ever-evolving self-identity. I realized that while jobs are important for support one's living expenses, they should also reflect who you are as a person rather than the other way around. In other words, (or maybe Tyler Durden words "you are not your fucking job"), we shouldn't define ourselves according to our jobs. Rather, We should define our jobs according to what we want ourselves to be. This is a hard lesson to learn for all of us especially when we equate working with productivity and productivity with self-worth. Let's be frank though, having a job doesn't guarantee quality of self-worth. I'll put myself forth as an example. Throughout the years of me working at various jobs I didn't give a shit about I slowly devalued myself as a person. I mean I started to see myself and tell people about myself in accordance to my job duties. A normal conversation with me often included what my job is. Then some comments would be exchanged on that topic by both the person I'm talking to and myself and an hour would go by and I would've felt like I told that person nothing about myself. I was never proud of what I did and this was taking a toll on me. Thus after I quit my most recent job I've decided that I will no longer feel the social pressure to just find any job. I want to build myself around what I'm passionate about, even if it means taking some time to slowly discover less obvious routes. Now that I've realized what the difference between a job and a career is, the rest should fall in to place...???

Social Retard

This is my fourth week of being jobless and it's probably the best thing ever. Going to be at 4 A.M. in the morning and waking up in the afternoon, I'm starting to feel like a teenager again but without the self-esteem issues, suicidal tendencies and of course, parental tyranny.

The only downside to my unemployment is that I don't have as much money to spend on shit I like. I've pretty much stopped shopping for clothes and have even made strict rules about how often I should be going out. So there's been a lot of staying at home and cooking for myself, looking after the cats and waiting for school to start. Life is good and mellow.

 Obviously this can get boring very fast so I'm already planning on starting a few arts and craft projects. First thing on the docket is an oldie but a goodie - tye-dyed products.

Also, remember when I said I got rid of the long wispy bangs. Here some new short-ass baby bangs for the summer. They are pretty awesome but hard to maintain especially when I have to trim it myself without proper scissors every two weeks or so.

Lastly, here's my recent favourite local band. They are called B-lines and they are excellent.

Measuring Success

Take a good look at this hair because this is the last time you'll ever get an eye-full of those luscious bangs. At this very moment, my hair is short as ever and my bangs have crept well above my eyebrows.

Some changes took place in my life recently that I cannot neglect to discuss. As of May 1st, I took the final step towards burning the bridge of professionalism between myself and my employer at the Westminster Children's After School Society. Sounds familiar? Yes, this may conjure the feeling of deja vu if you remember one particular post where I regaled some of you with the tales of finally quitting the job I deemed soul-sucking. Well, it turns out that was not the ending chapter of this seemingly never-ending struggle towards self-efficiency and freedom from the shackles of employment.

However, this time, I do believe is the last; and it will last for I can no longer tolerate the meaninglessness of me trying so desperately to seek meaning and purpose where there isn't any. Though I do have to say that there is a silver lining in this whole ordeal. You see, the day after I told my boss to "get fucked" over a phone shouting match and won, I was accepted into the graduate program I've been toiling over for the past few months! This opportunity of course stemmed from my most recent place of employment. Through one one of the kid's parent who introduced me to the program just over a year ago. 

What's the moral of the story? The Man is always a step behind you because if you are a conscientious and decent human being who place more importance on forging real relationships with the people (in this case the children and their families), they will in turn trust and respect you or provide you with bigger and better options so you can flip your current boss off and get what you actually deserve! Take that to church tomorrow and preach it!